(If you'd like to read the story this feedback refers to, namely, "Fool's Goldfish", then please click on this link: This is a link to "Fool's Goldfish".
''Fool's Goldfish'' by Matt McHugh - WHAT THE JUDGE(S) LIKED ABOUT YOUR SCRIPT - ......Even though there were so many larger words in the opening paragraph I almost got lost (I'd suggest fewer large words; there's just too many in that opening), I LOVED Malcolm's voice and thought it was well-developed. I also like that the writer has given us a very clear picture of Malcolm's personality right in the opening--and that he's likable. Your "lovable geek" so to speak. Very nice work on this. I also like the pithy dialogue.............Malcolm's infatuation with Sally strikes a humorous tone and plays well within the storyline. Their search for the missing goldfish is a sort of representation for their dynamic..........................................................
''Fool's Goldfish'' by Matt McHugh - WHAT THE JUDGE(S) LIKED ABOUT YOUR SCRIPT - ......Even though there were so many larger words in the opening paragraph I almost got lost (I'd suggest fewer large words; there's just too many in that opening), I LOVED Malcolm's voice and thought it was well-developed. I also like that the writer has given us a very clear picture of Malcolm's personality right in the opening--and that he's likable. Your "lovable geek" so to speak. Very nice work on this. I also like the pithy dialogue.............Malcolm's infatuation with Sally strikes a humorous tone and plays well within the storyline. Their search for the missing goldfish is a sort of representation for their dynamic..........................................................
WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK - ......I was
confused about what kind of fish was lost, because we were never told that he
was in a bowl and somehow made it into the koi pond? (By the way,
"koi" is the correct spelling). And I also didn't understand the pond
WAS a koi pond until the end, so I'd suggest that somewhere up front we get a
much more clear explanation of the fish was in a bowl, and now he's lost, and
why Malcolm would believe the fish made it from the bowl to the pond. I just
really didn't understand that. In addition, how old IS Malcolm? I'm assuming
he's a teenager, so I'd also establish this--when he's referencing his gran's
fish, I thought he was maybe 10, but using all of that upper-end language just
isn't likely for a 10-year-old (if he's a genius, then establish that). I'd
also suggest adding dialogue tags or stage business during the conversation
with Sally--the back and forth was difficult to follow.............The overall
storyline could use some more action/interesting events. While the main events
of them searching for the goldfish has a distinct thematic value, try adding
layers of complexity............................…........................
