The Game of the Name (Steelers-related)

I'm not certain of the methodology used by the Pittsburgh Steelers when choosing which players to draft, but from yesterday's first two picks, it seems like incongruous or misleading names is a large part of it. I must say that, while I prefer Limas Sweed, Rashard Mendenhall, in the immortal words of Darius Rucker (Hootie), "’s not far behind." Limas Sweed? That takes me back...back, before the expedited NFL draft, before the two-point conversion endeared itself to NFL sensibilities...before Tim Brown, Jim Brown, or even Paul Brown...back to the Deep South, on a hot, humid, lazy summer’s day, when Melba and I was lyin' out 'neath the weepin' willow, fannin' ourselves and damn near runnin' the kitchen help to exhaustion the way we was callin' for more lemonade every five minutes, it seemed. But then, what was a girl to do - the heat woulda' had Old Gooseberry himself moppin' his brow, although you know that that Cloven Hoof'd rake woulda' mopped his sulfuric perspiration with nothing less than the kerchiefs of dearly departed unbaptised babies...But that name...that name...what was it? Yes, I remember now...Melba heard it first - had ears like an Injun, I always told her - but soon 'nough I caught it, too...and you couldn't make it out, none, 'cept to know it came from a man with important things to say, either sayin' them, or sayin' he was 'bout to say them...and we followed the sound to the town square - that great voice, resonating with the authority of a thunderclap and the import of a tidal wave - and just as our ever-quickening pace brought us close enough to glimpse the stately visage whence that regal baritone rang out its gravely call, he spoke these immortal words:

“As sure as my name is Limas Sweed, your elected Congressman, in this, the great State of Louisiana, I give you my word that those Niggas won’t be acquiring any of the rights afforded the white population of this municipality here and now, in 1855, or at any time hereafter!”

Yes, great cheers and much whooping and hollering did follow that pronouncement. And why shouldn’t they have, as a great man had just announced a great proclaimation. However, this man knew that, while people love a wonderful bit of artful and spirited oration, the tide of emotion carries one only so far, and more practical concerns must also be tended to. He continued:

“Now, y’all don’t forget to join me at the local branch of Southern Bank, where Mr. Rashard Mendenhall has been kind enough to offer free financial advice after temple today.”

After a pause, he added:

“I just ask that you not keep him too long, as my cotton's not going to pick itself...”

Yes, though it seems like yesterday, it was, in the immortal words of Robert “Bob” Seger, “long ago.” However, the wide receiver Mr. Sweed’s parents have brought a hint of that kinder, gentler time back to the here-and-now, and Kevin Colbert and, I can only assume, the surly-yet-charismatic Michael Tomlin have done their part to bring just a whiff of that scent of quiescent antebellum harmony to Western Pennsylvania.

I await in heady anticipation the third-round pick of the Pittsburgh Steelers . Will it be that young buck Mario Manningham? (As opposed to that young man Mario Buckingham.) Who else could romance the women of Pittsburgh (or plumb for them…) while also carrying on the efficient colonization of Blawnox. Or maybe Red Bryant – a welcome sight, that of him every Sunday inspiring his charges on toward victory sometime in the Eisenhower 50s with a spirited phrase forged in Mother Nature's fickle flame (which, of course, serves as nothing less than the wellspring of the rough-hewn poetry of the Midwestern farmer), all the while sporting a bit of idiosyncratic headwear perched proudly atop his head. Or possibly Early Doucet, who would surely parlay his stardom into spokesmanship for breakfast custard. Either that, or for some company that specializes in unusual cuts of juvenile venison (Don’t get it? Look up doucet. Still don’t get it? Sorry, not everything here is hilarious.) Or perhaps, inspired by the success of the Pittsburgh Passion last season, the team will finally recognize the equality of the sexes, and how useful a female perspective on things could be, and draft Erin Henderson to back that line.