1:20 a.m., Bombay
Ring. Ring.
“Hello?” I say as I pick up my American phone and wonder who would be calling me on it.
“The recent financial crisis has put many hard-working people into debt. If you are in debt and have been looking to consolidate your debt, we are here to help. We offer…”
“Beep.” (‘Cuz I pushed “1” on a hunch.)
“…”
“Hello? Is anyone there? You can’t plant me in your penthouse – I’m goin’ back to my plough…back to the howlin’ old owl in the woods, huntin’ the horny-backed toad…”
“Hello. Thank you for holding.”
“You are welcome.”
“So, you are having problems with debt?”
“With debt?”
“Yes. You held on the line to receive help consolidating your debt?”
“Yes I did.”
“OK, let me tell you that this program is supported by the federal government, and this call is being recorded for quality assurance. By the federal government.”
“OK.”
“So, how much do you owe?”
“I owe…lots.”
“OK. How much is that?”
“Like…many dollars. Lots of pounds. A whole lotta euros.”
“And how much – can you give me a number?”
“Seventeen.”
“Seventeen thousand?”
“Seventeen thousand?!... Yes!”
“OK, and…”
“Euros.”
“Seventeen thousand euros?”
“Yes.”
“How much are you paying now?”
“For what?”
“Are you covering the full amount for your bills now?”
“Well, not for the ones I don’t pay.”
“OK, and…can you tell me how you got into this situation?”
“Well, you see, what happened is…I bought things…I used my credit card. I bought a lot of things…but I didn’t earn enough money to pay for them. Now, I don’t have to tell you what happens when you go on like that for a while…”
“…right. OK. My name is Joshua, and I work with a program supported by the federal government that helps people consolidate their debt. We work with a group of 17 or 18 lawyers to consolidate your debt and lower the amount you have to pay. What if I told you we could get your seventeen thousand dollars down to nine thousand?”
“Pounds.” (I know I said euros before – European money confuses me.)
“Pounds?”
“Yes. Seventeen thousand pounds.”
“I don’t get it.”
“Pounds sterling. British pounds.”
“What?”
“British currency.”
“…OK. So what if we could get your debt down to nine thousand dollars?”
“Nine…OK. That would be nice.”
“And you would pay two hundred dollars per week. If you did that, you could be out of debt within a year.”
“OK.”
“And if you paid more, you could be out sooner.”
“Yup.”
“If you paid three hundred dollars per week, you could be paid off just over six months.”
“OK.”
“So you would be able to pay two hundred dollars per week?”
“Umm…how much is that in pounds?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Pounds. British financial currency. British money.”
“I’m talking about America.”
“And when did we say I was…”
“America. Dollars. English.”
“…Umm…Wait…What language do you think they speak in England?”
“You know what? You’re an asshole.”
“When – at what point in the conversation did you ask me if I was in America?”
“I’m hanging up.”
“Wait. I just…no one told me I had to be in America…You’ve…hello? You’ve left me, haven’t you? Hmm…”
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2 comments:
I wish you'd write more funny stuff like this one. Always makes my day, no matter how many times I re-read it :)
Well, that's who I am - I'm a day-maker. I'd like to write more such articles, but I am somewhat dependent on the kindness of telemarketers...always have been...
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