Thursday, November 17, 2011

Feedback on "Fool's Goldfish"



(If you'd like to read the story this feedback refers to, namely, "Fool's Goldfish", then please click on this link: This is a link to "Fool's Goldfish".


''Fool's Goldfish'' by Matt McHugh  - WHAT THE JUDGE(S) LIKED ABOUT YOUR SCRIPT - ......Even though there were so many larger words in the opening paragraph I almost got lost (I'd suggest fewer large words; there's just too many in that opening), I LOVED Malcolm's voice and thought it was well-developed. I also like that the writer has given us a very clear picture of Malcolm's personality right in the opening--and that he's likable. Your "lovable geek" so to speak. Very nice work on this. I also like the pithy dialogue.............Malcolm's infatuation with Sally strikes a humorous tone and plays well within the storyline. Their search for the missing goldfish is a sort of representation for their dynamic..........................................................

WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK - ......I was confused about what kind of fish was lost, because we were never told that he was in a bowl and somehow made it into the koi pond? (By the way, "koi" is the correct spelling). And I also didn't understand the pond WAS a koi pond until the end, so I'd suggest that somewhere up front we get a much more clear explanation of the fish was in a bowl, and now he's lost, and why Malcolm would believe the fish made it from the bowl to the pond. I just really didn't understand that. In addition, how old IS Malcolm? I'm assuming he's a teenager, so I'd also establish this--when he's referencing his gran's fish, I thought he was maybe 10, but using all of that upper-end language just isn't likely for a 10-year-old (if he's a genius, then establish that). I'd also suggest adding dialogue tags or stage business during the conversation with Sally--the back and forth was difficult to follow.............The overall storyline could use some more action/interesting events. While the main events of them searching for the goldfish has a distinct thematic value, try adding layers of complexity............................…........................

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Those Halcyon Days of Youth

Honestly, though, what's the point of showering with young boys if you can't hug them?


In unrelated news, Penn State has already received a bid to the Vatican Bowl, sponsored by Secret Deodorant.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Thirst


Rod and I have written this five-page script:

Thirst
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